I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
