did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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