Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We smell like vodka and hangover
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