Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
you made out with another girl for some wings
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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