I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
