If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
