At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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