Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
