Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
