I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
