I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
