I have demons in me.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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