everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
