The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
