who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
