sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
