I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize