It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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