It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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