he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
