This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
