I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
