I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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