On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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