piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
