Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
