the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
