U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
