I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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