I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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