My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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