when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
