so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
