so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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