He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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