If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
