I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
