One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
