I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
