Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
