I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
