i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
