Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
