Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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