I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Randomize
