i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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