Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
