she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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