OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
wow bdsm is so cute
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
