I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
