I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
