I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
