the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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