I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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