You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
