She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
