you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Every concussion has its silver lining
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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