My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Watching her eat just hurts me
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
