Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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