I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
