he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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