Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I bet he comes in French.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
