you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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